別再驚動愛情...

《別再驚動愛情》 張棟樑


城市很大　後來我走過海角天涯
城市有時會變小　小的你背影無法裝下
最近好嗎　我怎麼一時間無從回答
老朋友般的對話　表情卻有一點複雜

像普通朋友一樣融洽　禮貌的就請別再驚動愛情吧
不想再為一時感觸　以後被相同諾言懲罰
再次付出代價

這幾天這幾月這幾年　我不懷念
這一刻這一分這一秒　妳在我前面
回憶多痛苦　又被發現　我不願
我不要我不想　在相同的地點擱淺
妳的我的他的　就請劃清界限
我過得很好 不要打擾
這一刻安靜就好

城市很大　擁有我的失敗和偉大
城市有時會變小　小的無法把寂寞消化
就算假如　當時妳是他或者我是他
掌心的地圖交叉　誰能保證看到彼岸花

像普通朋友一樣融洽　禮貌的就請別再驚動愛情吧
不想再為一時感觸　以後被相同諾言懲罰
再次付出代價

這幾天這幾月這幾年　我不懷念
這一刻這一分這一秒　妳在我前面
回憶多痛苦　又被發現　我不願
我不要我不想　在相同的地點擱淺
妳的我的他的　就請劃清界限
我過得很好　不要打擾
這一刻安靜就好　ｏｈ～

這幾天這幾月這幾年　我不懷念
這一刻這一分這一秒　妳在我前面
回憶多痛苦　又被發現　我不願
我不要我不想　在相同的地點擱淺
妳的我的他的　就請劃清界線
我過得很好　不要打擾
這一刻安靜就好

Today...

Today, the last day of 2012...she's in the office...but just for a while...half day i think...

I didn't really expect her to be in the office albeit i really want to see her everyday...

She wore a beautiful red dress today...just like it's Christmas...lovely...

This plus her new hairstyle...fabulous...

Last time seeing her maybe?The answer will be revealed the day after tomorrow...

Although i admit that meeting & falling for her has definitely got me full of wounds & bruises...i never regreted a single thing...

If i were given a chance to experience the same thing all over again i'd do it again without holding back...

I might as well just let go as i don't think i'll go for her even if she's available...or i should say...i don't dare to go for her...==

I guess i can only admire her like a celebrity where i stand absolutely no chance to even get close to her...

And she'll definitely not notice me...

I wonder how'd she react if she sees all my recent posts & realise that i'm talking about her... 

She'd report policee & sue me for sexual harrasment maybe...lol...XD

But i don't think she'll ever see this anyway...

 

last day of 2012...

Only little less than 4 more hours left in 2012...

In general,2012 has been a frutiful year for me...so many changes & learnt so many things...

First,the transformation from trainee to unemployeed to employeed & from student to salary man...

The training in Genting has been amazing in general...

Leaving home for the very first time for so long,free to do whatever i want during free time...

Testing my ability of taking care of myself & learnt how to be more independent...

Celebrated Christmas,New Year & Chinese New Year in a place other than KL...

But i definitely missed home so much when i fell sick & lied on the bed lifelessly...

Then, unemployeed for 6 months...the most relax & laziest period of my life so far...no need to wory about a single thing but felt guilty of not doing anything at the same time...

Convocation...marks the barrier of an important & long period of my life...marks the end of my studying life...

looking for a job...prepraing resumes & CVs for job seeking purposes...being interviewed for the 1st time...got my 1st official job...

And about what happened in my family...i seriously don't want to mention a word...just skip it... :P

Overall, i think i have grown matured a bit within 2012...and as usual...time flies without me realising it...

New year resolutions...hmmm...haven't thought of that...==

關於她...

她...美若天仙...

她...猶如天使下凡...

她.. .笑容可掬...

她...聰明伶俐...

她...不拘小節...

她...大方得體...

她...不太貪慕虛榮...(應該是...==)

她...經歷了許多挫折,失落...

她...面對了災難般, 足以摧毀她人生的荊棘...

她...面對多次疲勞轟炸...

她...跌倒了無數次... 

但...她都沒倒下...反而勇敢,堅強的"生存"了下來...

她...重義氣...個性獨立...愛看書...不怕冒險...面對困難絕不退縮...

她...追求者眾多...

她...有疼愛她的護花使者...她們一起經歷了災難...情比金堅...

試問...她怎麼會看上我?

絕對不可能...別做白日夢了...

可能...我在她眼裡...什麼都不是...

 這不是最爛的藉口...我是真的真的配不上她...

根本就是癩蛤蟆想吃天鵝肉...鮮花插在牛糞上...

糟蹋了她...

算了...

還是盡早忘了她吧...

192 days...

Yes...it's been 192 days or 6 months...more or less...since i met her for the very first time...

and there's no turning back...

I've been thinking about her everyday...every hour...every minute...every seconds...

Always looking forward to her in the office...always checking on her updates & photos...

I can't stop 

and i can't tell why... 

It feels like i've addicted to it like addicting to drugs...

Everything feels like a part of daily routine... 

I gotta admit...I've never done the same quite like this before...

At least not for that long period of time...not for that consistency...

Now...can i "survive" or "adapt" to the life without her?

Will the office look the same to me without her silhouette? 

Will the atmosphere be the same without her voice & her laugh?

I'm pretty sure i will eventually pull this through...but how long is it gonna take?

Another 6 months?

Or maybe more?

Right now,my body is contradicting itself...

Feels like my right brain me to forget & let go but my heart says otherwise...

I always think that it'll be easier to forget if i don't see her for a while or not checking on her updates...

But i always do the exact opposite...

Always looking forward to meeting her...though it'll take more than a miracle for that to happen...

Always checking on her updates...

Yes...i'll get over this...but it'll take a long long long time...==

love this song...

I never had found a single song where its lyrics perfectly descibes my feeling...

Till i found this song "Love of IRIS" by Shin Seung Hoon...it's one of the theme songs of the Korean Drama "IRIS"...

When i heard this song for the 1st time,it didn't catch my attention initially...i only realised the existance of this song as it was played way too frequently during the drama...

When i started to look up the meaning of the songs...it literally touched my heart...every single word in the songs describe my feelings...inch perfect...


Here's the lyrics:

English translation

" those 2 eyes that just flittered by
i couldn't look at that time
i was just looking at those lips
i couldn't hear anything

if we were to be in another place at another time and fall in love
would we have been happy?

that time when we were living?
i falter just by looking at you
i can't forget or hate you
i can't seem to do anything else but love you

but while my heart can rest for one day
if i can forget you easily

that time when we were living?
i falter just by looking at you
i can't forget or hate you
i can't seem to do anything else but love you

but i can't reach for you no matter how i try
you seem even more beautiful when you're further away

but the more i love you, the more it hurts
why does my heart want only you?
i can't forget or hate you
i can't seem to do anything else but love you "


Mandarin translation

" 我的双眼 满满的都是你 
可你却 看不见我 
我的双唇 静静地呼唤你 
可你却听不见我 

如果我们   
在另一时间另一空间 相识并相恋 
我们现在会幸福吗 

在我有生之年 
你曾是我的全部 
而现在 
只留下我踉跄的身影 
我无法恨你 更无法忘记你 
我可能 
只懂得 如何爱你吧 

一天就好 让我的心再一次跳动 
让我能够忘记你轻松地呼吸吧 

在我有生之年 
你曾是我的全部 
而现在 
只留下我踉跄的身影 
我无法恨你 更无法忘记你 
我可能 
只懂得 如何爱你吧 

你 若即若离 
遥远但依然美丽 

我知道 爱你就意味着伤痕累累 
为什么我的心要满满的都是你 
我无法恨你更无法忘记你 
我可能只懂得爱你吧 "

4th day......

The 4th day...

Today's the last day for my 2 colleagues...they'll be transferred to another office in KL...so do her...maybe...

Actually i'm not quite sure...is she going on january or february?i have no idea...

Is she transferred permanenetly or just for couple of months just like one of my managers...?i don't have a clue...==

whatever it is...she's leaving...that's the fact that'll never change...

maybe i should've talked to her...maybe i should've been braver...maybe i should've...

whatever it is...it's too little too late...

thus,a word of advice for those who's having or undergoing the same thing...go for it!!!

Don't be like me...regret for the rest of my life...

All the best to her...may God gift her with everything that she wants in life & may God bless her with a happy life...

不夠狠...

最近喜歡上林健輝的 "不夠狠"...感覺上那歌詞就是在描述我現在的心情...

" 我不夠狠 去爭取我應得那一份
明明就貪戀妳的體溫
妳的吻 絕對有愛的成分

我不夠狠 以為溫柔是不去競爭
裝作什麼事都沒發生
我承認 假紳士才是我最大的敵人"

對!有的時候,我覺得自己不夠狠...無論做什麼事都一樣...有時覺得自己人太好...快要當濫好人了...

這當然包括愛情...

我承認...什麼成全,只要妳幸福快樂就好的話...都是假的...可能愛情本身就是自私的吧...

我是應該狠一點的...

但,一切都太遲了...怪只怪我們有緣無分吧...怪就怪我在錯的時間遇到對的人吧...

我瞬間覺得...在對的時間遇見對的人是很難的一件事...所以...全天下的情侶們...好好珍惜對方吧!!!

3rd day......

The 3rd day...miracle didn't happen...

She wasn't in the office today...i only figured out that she went travelling with her friends...

The result...low productivity & efficiency...the good thing is that the workload for today wasn't as much as yesterday...or else...i would've been doomed!!!

It was definitely short but i'd take it anyway...probably the best Christmas present that i've ever had & i'd like to have for quite some time...

I guess this is really it...it was a false alarm previously but i'm pretty sure this time that it's for real...

Yes...i might not be able to see you again in my life...wish you all the best in your future with him...

No worries about me...i can take it no matter what...and i dont think u'll know & u'll care anyway...

Time to move on,aye?

2nd day!!!

Today is the 2nd day...today is boxing day...literally "boxing" through my work...

Due to the holiday yesterday,i had to do my workload for today as well as yesterday's workload...means my work today is the double of my normal daily work...

This plus my 2 absent colleagues (their work will be shared among all members in the department)...my workload today is almost 4 times than my normal work...==

Just when i was cracking my brain tryna finish my work, i saw her in the office...walking right in front of me...

At that very moment i was totally froze...as i wasn't expecting her to be in the office today (at least not what the calendar suggests)...

And almost at the same time...i made a mistake in my work...==...luckily it could be fixed in no time...gosh...

Seeing her in the office has definitely given me a turbo boost...a great motivation to do my work...i gotta admit that it has been a while since i could literally work continuously without stopping from the minute i sat down in front of my desk until the minute i left the office...

Thank God for this sweet surprise today!!! I will cherish moments like this as it's getting more & more precious as time goes on...

Thank YOU !!! (Though you got nothing to do with this...==)

Christmas?

Christmas? What's that?

How does it feels like celebrating Christmas with families & friends?Can anyone tell me?

"Lonely lonely Christmas...merry merry christmas..."

"Single bell single bell single all the way..."

Yea...lonely christmas again...not the 1st time & pretty sure that it's not the last time...

 Christmas...it's just another ordinary holiday for me...and it's always been like that...

Stays at home...no presents...no...whatsoever...

somehow i feel annoying when almost all the radio stations keeps playing christmas songs...lol...XD

Jeez!!!I should socialize more...==

C'est elle...

Oui...c'est elle...

Viewed her blog recently...there's only 1 word on my mind...SHOCKING...

Can't imagine the relentless pressure & tons of ordeals that she is facing or she has faced in such a short period of time...and yet she seems to handle 'em well...or she's able to hide it well from outsiders...

This is not commonly seen in normals girls on the street at or around her age...yeah...she's definitely one tough girl...

This plus her personality & looks = perfect...

Yeah...it wont't happen...never ever gonna happen...like ever...

Stop daydreaming & illusioning would ya...

Not being pessimistic...just that i'm just nobody to her...she's got so many better options for her...

Yeah...just let go...it's the easiest & the only way...

1st day...

Yeah...1st day...without her...

It's actually not really the 1st day...but this time...i might or would not be seeing her again anymore...i'm not quite sure...

Without me realizing, i have stepped into a bottomless hole...i've totally addicted to it...

Literally can't live without you...

Really hope that i could just erase her from my memory like erasing a mistake with an eraser...

Always looking forward to her new posts...new status updates...new photos...

It's become a everyday routine that i can't go to bed without doing...

Will i be able to adapt to that?

Will i be able to "survive" thought that?

We shall see...

HER...她...

i admit that this is not my 1st time having a crush on someone...and i thought it would be just as same as all my previous crushes...

18/6/2012...the 1st time i saw her...seeing an angel walking to me & sat next to me...literally & figuravitely...the result? i almost screwed up my interview...==...lol...luckily i still got it...

she was the only thing (besides salary of course) that would motivate me to get up from my "super strong gravitational pull" bed & go to work every morning...

I'm gonna confess that that was the happiest period that i had in years,considering what happened or i should say what went wrong in my family...

I felt energetic (especially after lunch where i usually feel really sleepy) when she walked past me...my heart melted when she smiled or ran around like a little girl... my heart beat so much faster when she walked towards my direction...a little nod or smile from her has definitely made my day...

02/10/2012...the little "judgement" day for me...she wasn't there for a week or two...curiously & anxiously i checked what happened & the revealation was cruel...my heart dropped to the ground & shattered into thousand of pieces...

I should have thought of it...she's too attractive to be left alone...i was too naive & stupid...i guess...i am really sorry...

I never felt anything in the world like this before (not quoting from "Wait for You" by Elliot Yamin on purpose.That's exactly how i felt or i should say how i am feeling now)...i was so emotionally down...

The only way of expressing myself: listen to really sad songs,copy & paste the lyrics that best describe my feeling on social network site...(idiot eh? ==) & watch really funny clips & laugh out like a maniac which does not really reflect how i feel (moron ==)

Another confession,this is not the 1st time this happens but i could walk away and get over it at no time in all previous ones...but not this time though..what makes this time so different?i'm still figuring why...

but now i guess it's over (not quoting from "Fool Again" by Westlife)...she might be gone...forever...guess i can only blame myself...cause i never really spoken any word with her...except during interview of course...why didn't i tell her how i feel?it's not like i want her to be with me...just wanna let her know how i feel...that's all...i know i can't do something "illegal" in my sense...

why am i waiting for something that would never ever happened?why would i be waiting for someone that would never give a damn shit about me?

She's so special...she's gone though so many things...she deserves a much better one...he's the one for her...

AHH!!!feels so much better after expressing it out...guess i'll gone mad sooner or later if i just keep it within me...just like an active volcano waiting to erupt...

These 6 months...

Decided to come here after seeing her blog...

So many things have happened these 6 months...

Having a so called steady job...family issues are getting worse...which i'm not surpised at all...

Struggling to get more income to raise & support the family...should i get a 2nd part time or weekend job?direct sales?selling insurance?am i convincing enough to persuade you to buy my products?

Starting a small business perhaps?just saw my former classmates open a burger restaurant...definitely paying them a visit sooner or later...

Did have some plans of that with a bunch of my friends but so far no action has been taken yet...==

I guess that's me...right?so many things going on in my mind but i put zero effort in materializing any of them...i mean any of them...==

On the other hand,should i upgrade myself?taking language classes?japanese class perhaps?

Also,should i get another car insurance.I've seen so many road incidents lately & i really think i should start protecting myself...but can i affrod it though the premium is not that high? (average around RM30 per month with reasonable coverage)

AHHH!!!goona crack my head soon to think of a good way of "clearing " all of the above...==