New challenge ahead...

It's been finalised...

I'll be joining the new team starting tomorrow,along side 2 other staff...1 so called "senior" staff & 1 new staff...

I'll be starting the training tomorrow...

Though the trainer from London has emphasized that the work flow is pretty much the same as what i have been doing for the past few months & it's just that i'll be working on a different market...

Still... i can't help but feeling nervous about that...

Am i up for the challenge...?

And the trainer expects us to be able to handle our new jobs within 3 days...==

Also,he seems to have high expectations on me...

Why?

Cuz my lovely team leader has been "promoting" me as if he'd been paid a huge amount of money to do that...

Keeps saying that i'm a quick learner...

And i have the language advantage...

Keeps proving that he made a right choice by putting me in the new team...

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Am i that good?

I beg to differ...==

On top of that, as i am the most experienced member in the new team,this sort of making me the so called "leader" in the team...

Really?

Why people always saying that i'm good while i seriously don't think so...

During the lunch with HR manager last time out,he told me this:

"You are a good worker...all other team leader keeps saying that they want to have staff like you...someone that can do their work quietly without much word...

But...

You are not a good leader...you have to talk more...show your leadership skills...

You have the potential...but still you've gotta find a way to unleash it..."

Hmmm...

Really?

I know i have to talk more...and in fact i think i've improved...just a bit...==

At least i do talk with colleagues around me which i seldom did previously...

But...

Can i be a leader...?

I can't see that inside me...

At least for now...

What am i supposed to do...?

Crazy...

I'm crazy...

Nuts...

Maniac...

Out of my mind...

What should i hang on to someone that doesn't give a damn shit about me...

What should i care for someone that just using me...

Using me when loneliness settles...

Using me during desperateness...

Why should i be happy when i was being noticed...

Feeling that i couldn't help it when i got the attention...

Even if i know a damn good thing about the story behind the scene...

Why does it have to hurt so bad...

But...

Yet...

it feels so good?

Why?

為什麼?

點解?

왜?

Pourquoi?

Mengapa?

Kenapa?

Where can i get an answer?

I can't take this anymore...

No...

I can't...

Worse...

Yes...it's gotten worse...

It's deteriorating...

It's going down...

Finally...

I was forced to take the rap...

Though i've been expecting it to happen & i thought i was ready...

Though i could walk it off with ease...

But i was wrong...

It hurts so bad...

Make me feel like nothing is fair...

In fact...nothing is fair in this world...

And the funny things is...

I have to pretend that i was the one who were supposed to take the blame...

And i have to create excuses for you to step down...

I still remember i was asked this question during the interview...

" What would u do if u were accused of  doing something u have never done?"

"I'll take the blame..."

That was my answer...

And...

I am a man of my word...

Can't believe i said that...

What was i thinking man...

And i'm pretty sure that this won't be the last...

For how long can i hold on to it?

I have no idea...

Have i done wrong...?

Feeling guilty today...

My company's lunch hour is between 12-2 & everyone is free to choose one hour in between to go for lunch...

But my team leader prefers some of the team members go for lunch at 12 & some go at 1 as he doesn't want our "island" to be really empty during lunch time...

So,i have always opted to go for lunch at 1 which is my preferred time though almost everyone in the company goes for lunch at 12...

So,as usual during lunch break at 12 today,almost everyone went for lunch while i continued to do my work until 1...

When i was cracking my break tryna figure out some complicated issues,some of the employees who just finished their lunch started to gather around a place near my seat & chit chat...

That was ok but next some of them actually watching some videos with the speaker on at a relatively high volume...

That has really annoyed me & i couldn't help myself but expressing my feelings at that moment by changing the status of my chat with the use of some really strong words...

I didn't think much as i assumed that they wouldn't be able to view it...

But  i was surprised when my team leader asked me what had happened...as he might not have seen me doing that...

And next my team members started to ask if i was ok...& finally i told one of them what really happened...

As a result, the employees was told not to do the same again...

But for some reason...i feel really guilty because of that...

Yes...they were not supposed to do that but what would happen if they eventually found out that i was the whistle blower?

Yes...i have been trying my best not to offend anyone in the company but would it be the same after today?

Was i being too emotional & impulsive?

Should i have covered it down instead?

I dunno...

I really dunno...

Have i done the right thing?

Heora - Under The Moonlight

Love this song...

Love the lyrics...

Feels like talking about me...