Lesson learnt...

Yes...

Learnt something today...

1) It hurts when u treated the person whole-heartedly but that person doesn't give a damn about it...

2)  No one will fall for me (the current me)

Solution?

1) I WILL NOT treat anyone wholeheartedly unless it's worth while for me to do it

2) I need to improve myself. Hmmm...where should i start? 

Ok...let me think about that 1st...(aka procrastinate)

><

Heartbroken...? Again...?

On 1st April, i saw her post : In a relationship, feeling loved. I thought she was just joking as it was April Fool anyway. But just now i found out that it is true...

My heart literally dropped to the ground and shattered into zillion of pieces, again T.T

All the while i thought that i was really over her, but now it apprears that i was lying to myself and running away from the problem itself...as usual...

But come to think of it, am i really thinking that i deserve to be with her?

Oh my God...

I could not imagine how it would be like when both of us are walking together...

Gross!!!

The weirdest combination the human history has ever witnessed...

Not her...ME!!!

She was literally everything to me & my life revolves around her and i kindda feel like the whole world crumbled when i knew the heartbreaking news...

But now when i was editing this blog post, i did not feel as bad as before...

Maybe it wasn't as bad i thought it would be?

Okay maybe she's not everything to me...

70-75%?

or less?

LOL

I'm not sure...

But at the end, thanks Lord for giving her someone to love her on behalf of me & wish them all the best...

Well...that's all i can do right?

There's no use of keeping something that doesn't belong to you or you do not have any right to own it

She is just one of the many people that i encountered in my life...

The wrong person that i encountered...

The right way is to discard her and getting rid of her from my life...

I might as well just move on & enjoy my life...

I mean the world will not stop for me because of that 

Yes...

I am feeling better...

Am i...?

I love this song...

It perfectly describes my feelings right now... 
 
" 下一刻　踩下油門我想該跨過了..."

" 會難過是肯定的　失去愛情的痛徹...我懂得　是因為認真才如此難割捨..."

" 你給過的好我會一直記得 笑過哭過我都曾經很快樂..."

"我不想再僵持着..."

"失去後比擁有踏實了...感覺自由了..."

" 該忘的　我忘了　回憶是好的 該記的　我記得　愛過就算值得 明天是自己的　我會更快樂 得到的　失去了　扯平了..."

My destiny...?

This song is gaining popularity recently due to the drama...

No comment on the drama though as i haven't watched it but i definitely like this song...

Your are my destiny~~aren't you? Are you?

Bring it on!!!

Finally feeling better after a few days...

At least not that awkward anymore when i am working in the office...

Sometimes maybe i just have to go with the flow...

Do not try to fight it...

Which also means i have to try harder to pretend...

Try harder to put on more masks...

Try harder to hide my emotions better...

Try harder to be a better "actor"

ROFL

Bring it on!!!!!!!!

Haha...

I will absorb everything that you have...

And leave you without even looking back...

Bwahahahahaha...

I received an email today just before i left the office...

It was an email from her...

rfrf...

of course not love letter

ROFL XD

It's regarding a survey on the conference that i attended last month...

There is a question in the survey:

"What is your career plan in 1-5 years?"

I LOLed in front of my computer when i saw this...

Hmmm...

What should i write?

"Leave this company asap?"

"None of your business"

XD

:)

 Looking at her picture...

Looking at her smile...

Smile of an angel...

rfrf...

Looking at our previous chats...

Recalling her voice...

Recalling our memories "together"

Makes me feel better

:)

You are so beautiful...

Tired

Oh Lord...

I am so tired...

Physically & mentally exhausted...

Tired of everything...

Sick of everything...

Yes...

I am childish...

I whine too much..

I crack easily under pressure...

I am an idiot...

I am a jerk...

I am not going to deny that...

That's me...

Frustrated...dissappointed...demotivated...

Initially i didn't want to mention it here but i thought i might gone crazy if i just keep it by myself...lol

As mentioned before i am now the unofficial team leader for Asia market but sometimes i will help Japan market if needed...

One day,as one of my colleague was on leave for a whole week,my manager decided to let me try his work as she said she couldn't find anyone else more reliable than me...

As she thought that i was really interested in doing it,she suggested to do it on a more regular basis where i will do the work in the morning while i continue my own work in the afternoon...

I thought it was a great idea as i am mostly free in the morning...

Everything went quite well until today...

Today in the morning,as usual i reconfirm with my manager on doing the new work she suddenly asked me if i wanted to focus only on Asia market or i can help her with her work...

My 1st instinct was to answer Asia market as i thought i am supposed to priotirize my own work 1st and i didn't know that i have created a wrong impression to her that i am NOT WILLING TO HELP HER...

I tried to explain to her that i am able to do her work in the morning as i am relatively free in the morning & i can learn something new as well...

But no matter how i explain it, she seems not convinced that i am willing to help her on my own will...

As if i am forced to do it...

Which i am certainly not...

And she is very dissappointed of me...

At the end she told me that she would have to rethink about that & she will come back to me on that in a few days time...

I was really frustrated at that moment...

1st because no matter how i try to convince her that i am able to handle her work & my own work at the same time she wouldn't believe it...

Maybe i'm not a good negotiator after all...

Then i was accused of something that i am not...

Accused of not helping her on my own will...

I was really demotivated for the day...

And i felt like crying at some point of the day...

I felt like all my work that i have done so far has gone begging...

I mean she has been watching & monitoring my work for couple of months now & now she doubted my sincerity because of some words that i have wrongly used?

Maybe that's the power of words...

I felt like i am no longer needed in this company...

And i do not have any motivation to work in this company anymore...

I recalled everything that she said about me in my appraisal & my 1st month performance review on my leader job...

"Oh...you are so good with your work..."

"Oh...you can be a good leader..."

Blah blah blah...

It all sounds particularly ironic, hypocritic & ear soring now...

I am not sure if i should stay in this company anymore...

Working with someone that does not trust me anymore...

Working with someone that does not need me anymore... 

Working with someone that does not acknowledge my work anymore...

Working with someone that does not understands me anymore...

I know i am very difficult to comprehend but still...

What should i do?

Looking for a new job?

Trying to wait it out?

...?

3rd "date"

The 3rd "date" with her after almost a year...

Gosh...

Literally like a AGM O.O

Initially i wanted to ask her out on 14th Feb, which is Valentine day for both Westerners & Chinese & it only occurs once in 19 years...

But she said she wanted to stay away from the crazy crowd on that day & so i asked her if she was available on the next 2 days which was weekend...

The funny thing about that is i was too coward to ask her out that i went around the bush & bullshitting where i was actually wanted to ask her out...

Maybe she noticed that (and maybe got annoyed?! T.T) and she asked me "Do you have anything to tell me?" straight away T.T

By then i only asked if she was free on the weekend...

Idiot ><

But still she didn't reply straight away & surprisingly i did not feel as anxious or nervous as i thought i would be...

Cause i was seriously anxious last time when she asked me out but did not reply when & where which i thought she might not want to cancel it...

That was almost a year ago...

This time maybe i did not expect that much from her so i was not that nervous this time around...

But still i was jumping down like a crazy kid when she asked me where i wanted to meet her...

That was yesterday & initially she wanted to meet me on Sunday morning & so i went online to research on where we could go...

Then without any warning she asked me " Do u wanna meet me now" on yesterday afternoon,right after i finished my lunch...

I was like...WT?! I wasn't prepared...

I didn't see that coming...at all ><

And the meeting place was kindda far from my house...

But good thing she said she would wait for me...lol

So i quickly got changed & rushed to the meeting place...

So finally i met her...

She was without any make up...but still pretty...rfrf 

Still my dream girl...rfrf

Our "date" was pretty quick,maybe around 1 hour...T.T

We talked about what we have been up to recently & plans in the future...

And surprisingly i was able to talk without any sense of nervous...

Not like last the 2 times where i was too nervous to talk...=.=

hmmm...i wonder when will be the next time we meet up?

3 months? 6 months?1 year?

or maybe never...?

How's it goin'?

1st post in 2014...well....actually i don't have many things to say...O.O

I just don't wanna abandon my blog...again...XD

Has just been promoted recently...well it's not official yet and i still yet to finish the probation...

Of coz the management has the right to withdraw my promotion if my performance is not up to their expectation...

But still i don't see any difference before & after promotion...apart from getting more emails & the figures that the company transfers to my account at the end of the month are slighly higher...

Does it mean that i am not doing my job well? 

There is another staff in my team who's also undergoing probation of becoming a team leader and i can see that he's doing very well...T.T

Maybe it's time to work harder...fix my communication skills...talk more...MORE...that's what my assistant manager told me when she informed me on the decision on promoting me...

She said i have all the right ingredient to be a team leader (as if...O_O)...except for one...

COMMUNICATION...

I've got to communicate more...with my team members, my boss & my colleagues...

Ok...i will talk more...let's show the world the my trash talking skills...ROFL

And both my assistant manager & supervisor said that i performed very very well last year during my appraisal interview...

The way that they talked was like i'm the smartest man on the planet... =.=

I seriously don't think so as i don't think i have done much in the company last year...LOL

Also, i taught that it was just to keep me in the company as there were quite a number of staff in my team left last year...LOL...

Maybe i think too much...O.O

My promotion also stopped my thoughts (or maybe just postponing?!) of changing another job as i was thinking of switching jobs cuz i was really tired of what i was doing in the company...I felt like i was wasting my time in the office doing very little thing...

But at least i have a new post, new challenges & more things to learn now in the company...

Who knows...maybe i will stay there for a good 2-3 years before leaving...LOL

Without me realising it, CNY is just around the corner and i have 3 days off for this year...which is very good considering i've been through the brutal days where i had to work on CNY just a few years ago...T.T

Also, I don't plan to take extra leave this year(almost all chinese staff in my company takes extra leave) cuz i am saving my leaves for my travel plans :P

I plan to go back the same place that i went alone last year as the trip last year was very short, very rushly planned and i noticed that i have missed so many things...so i plan to spend a week over there this year :P

But...seeing the news headlines recently kinda making reconsider my decision...should i or should i not?

Hmm...let's see how it goes...

Nervewrecking?

Am i going through a life & death situation?

I dunno...

Somewhat...it just doesn't feel right...

What should i do?

Should i wait?

Wait for 2moro & hope that everything will turn out alright...

Or should i take any action?

Or am i too scared of knowing the truth?

What should i do? 

This feeling is killing me...

 literally...

Really hope that someone will pull myself out of this...

Today

Today...i heard the same song twice that reminds me of her...

Reminds me of the day she left...

I thought i was so over her...but...i was wrong...

Also,i found out that my favourite badminton session might end as well...==

Which kindda reminds me of her as i started to play frequently on "THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF HER LIFE"...

Is that an indication?

But i thought it was over a long time ago...

==

Travelling alone

Just came back yesterday...was very tired as i practically did not sleep at all on the previous night...

Had a good sleep last night but still tired in the morning...even when i am driving on the highway...

There were couple of times where i was driving at nearly 100km/h and my eye lid was completely closed...

And only to be awaken by the sound of the engine picking up speed as i was also "accidentally" stepping on the pedal at the same time...==

Definitely a miracle as my car and i went home in one piece...

For the last few days, i been to a place that i never went before and not familiar with

I don't speak the language, do not know much about the customs there and i definitely don't know anyone there...which also means that i'm completely alone...especially when i'm having trouble and needs help...

And it didn't have a good start...1st i was almost conned by some guy who wanted to take me on the taxi for a staggeringly high price...good thing that i read some articles on the place before going there and i expected that to happen...

But still the inevitable happened...i was conned by the taxi driver who didn't charge me according to meter like he was supposed to...but luckily i found out later that he only charged me at a price slightly higher than the normal price...

Next,i wasn't quite sure if i was conned though...i bought a SIM card at a price much higher than the price i saw on some forums...not quite sure about that though...==

Then,i planned to visit a place on the 1st day but it was closed as it was very late already...==

What a rought 1st day i had...

but luckily everything turned out quite well on the next few days and everything was quite good overall...

I also met a guy from China who was my dorm mate...we had a pretty good conversation as we speak the same language and he was travelling around Malaysia before that...also mainly because he was quite curious why i could speak Mandarin so well that he thought i was from China as well...==

We share a lot of things on our respective countries and our passion for travelling as well...

I didn't expect to make new friends there but eventually i got one...lol...

Maybe sometimes we just have to let things flow naturally and let it be...

Just like all the researches that i did on food...i didn't use that in the end as i was too lazy to refer to it and i decided to play it by my heart...just try anything that looks good without referring to my "notes"...and i did have some pretty delicious food as well...

Maybe that's the beauty of travelling...expect the unexpected?

斷了的弦

是的...那弦已斷了...永遠也接不回了...

既然妳選擇把它切斷,我也不必再把它接回...

謝謝妳給我那麼多美好的回憶...也謝謝妳給我那些痛苦的回憶...

感謝主,讓我茫茫人海中遇見了妳...

曾經,每當提起妳時,我無法掩飾心中的雀躍...

我總留意妳的一舉一動...

妳傷心,煩惱,受傷時, 我總是牽腸掛肚...

現在這一刻起,以上的一切一切不會再發生在我身上...

對不起,是我自作多情...

對不起,是我想太多... 

對不起,是我犯賤...

妳的暗號我已經收到...我知道該怎麼做...

雖然我可能會想妳,但我會好好過...

沒有妳在我的世界我可以過的更好...

但願我能找到比妳更好的...

妳要加油喔!

Grow up...

Planned to do my research for my upcoming trip now but something has bothered me & i don't feel like doing it at all...

Impulsive...yes i am...

Just like making the decision to go to travel to a place...

It was just a feeling that i should go there...regardless the price of flight tickets,hotels, weather and so on...

Even if i have to travel alone...for the 1st time...

Right now i'm not sure if i've made the right decision...

But there's 1st time for everything right? 

Travelling alone to a place that i've never been before...

To a place where the people doesn't speak the same language as me...

To a place that i know very little about...

To a place full of signs that i do not understand...

To a notoriously knows for being a huslte & bustle place...

To a infamous tourist trap...

It is also the 1st time for me to do some in depth research about that place...

History...

How to go...

Where to go...

What to eat & buy...

Things might not go according to my plan but at least i feel secure by doing that...

I did not tell anyone about my trip...except for my parents...but they too didn't know that i will be travelling alone...

I do not know why i've chosen to do so but at least i have to try...

Try to experience new things...

Just like my Taiwan trip...many questioned the decision to go there during July...

It's going to be HOT!!!It's summer there... 

U're not afraid of typhoon?

Blah blah blah...

Yes...

It was indeed hot...

Yes...

There was indeed typhoon...a very serious one...

So what?

I made it home in one piece...

The itinerary was not badly affected as my friends and i thought it would be initially...

As we were very worried that we couldn't go to the places that we planned to go...

But in the end everything turned out all right...

Only a small part is affected...which gives a good excuse to go there again in the future :P

Now i also know how typhoons feels like...since there's no typhoon in Malaysia...

Strong winds...heavy rains...

Trees falling...signboard being blown away...even the traffic lights & motorcycles had to make way for the strong winds...

It was somewhat a good experience i think...

It's time to step out from my comfort zone... 

It's time to learn new things...

It's time to...

Grow up...

Go back to school...?

Been chatting with one of my frens recently and found out that she decided to study master after working for roughly a year...

I was really shocked with her decision...

I am aware that she was really stress in her previous job but i never expected her to go back to school again...

It's hard to imagine how happy she was when she started her previous job as she always told me how motivated she was in her previous company...

But something happned in between and she was really stressed out...

Anyway she's always been a straight A student and maybe it's a wise decision for her...

Will i ever go back to school to study master?

The answer is definitely...NO!!!

Never ever...

At least for now...

So sick of studying...
 
And i actually prefer my life right now...

At least i am still hanging on with my job right now...

At least the stress is still bearable...

At least i can earn my own money & have more say when it omes to money spending...

Maybe i feel insecure if i just keep spending money without "replenishing" by earning more...==

And i don't have to rely on my folks too much financially...

And i'm practically learning new things everyday...

Learning useful skills & knowledge...

Not just reading a bunch of useless notes & presentation slides...

Not just doing research on something i don't think it's necessary at all..

I still think that studying master is a waste of money & time

Even if i take part time master course, does it make that much difference?

I beg to differ..

Except if one day i suddenly decide to be a lecturer instead...== 

I still think that experience is more important...especially in tourism...

Maybe i'm wrong...

Maybe i will regret this one day in the future...

But for now, i think that i have made the right call... 

Did i?

Is it over?

She has not responded to my chats & messages recently...

Is she sending a message to me?

Like...

"Shut up...you are really annoying!!!"

"Don't u have better things to do?" 

"What makes u think i should bother about u?"

"Just fxxk off"

"I don't want to see u again for the rest of my life..."

Is it over now?

I guess so......

I am sorry...

Really sorry

Maybe i shouldn't have expected too much...

Sorry for bothering u...

Sorry for letting u knowing me...

Sorry for entering ur life...

Sorry for...

everything...

Lately...

Time passes so quickly and i have been working on the new market for 2 months without me realising it...

I would say everything is quite well i guess...

Workload is fine...just that there are some tedious cases that i need to tackle everyday...

And as i am the so called "most senior" member among the 3 of us working in the new market, i am the de facto leader of the new market team...thought the official leader is still my team leader now...

The other 2 members always refer to me when they have doubts and even my team leader has to consult with me sometimes as i am doing the work on day to day basis and my team leader is not...

Recently,one of the team member has left the company and my team leader has given me full authority to choose a new member from the japan market which surprised me...

That practically makes me like a team leader...maybe i think too much...=.= 

But, i don't think i am a good leader...

First, i am not patient...

Yes, i am more than willing to teach the new staff...BUT...i don't like repeating over and over again...

If any of my member asks me the same question over and over again,i got pissed off very easily...

Especially when i have a lot of work to do...

Only asks me when u have checked everything and you do not have a clue of what's going on...

I have to admit that sometimes i don't know what to do as well...the team is still new and there're some cases that is unheard of before...

But...for most of the times, i can always find the answer of their question when i "investigate" what's going on...

I have always tell them that always check for everything 1st and make sure you have an idea of what is happening before taking any actions as our jobs requires to dig deep down the line in order to get a better and bigger picture of the situation...

BUT...

THEY NEVER LISTEN!!!!!!

That's why i am not a good leader...

Secondly, i have anger management issues...

Yes...i got pissed off fairly easily...i dunno how to hide my feelings...especially when i am angry...

You can always tell that i am angry...

Sudden raise of the tone of my voice...indifferent expressions & gestures...hitting the keyboard very hard ( i always do that...) >.<

Thirdly, i am not a good communicator...

Yaya, i don't like to talk...but the fact is u have to talk...no matter what & where u work...

But sometimes...i just feel like shut up and do my work quietly...

Next, i am not friendly...

I am not too close with my team members, both the new market & japan market ones...

I do not keep in contact with them after work...

I have no idea of their latest happenings...

Also...

When they are laughing out loud to a joke or talking about something or gossipping, i would always keep quite and do my work as if nothing has happened...

I guess a good leader should be the one that knows the team member and close to them rite?

I am not...

Last but not least, i have a weird personality...

Sometimes i am friendly, sometimes i am very cool (cool as in "not talking")

I guess my colleague must be talking behind my back,saying how weird i am...

I am trying to change it...but...it's not easy...>.<

HMMM...

Maybe i think too much...

Lost...

Lost...(not the drama...=.=)

Recently,one of my colleague couldn't get over the fact that no increment was given as the colleague told me that the company used to have incremental reviews every half a year instead of the current one year...

The colleague also kept whinning on how bad the company is compared to the other companies out there... 

I was like...really?

I have always been careful on controlling my super limited budget but things are getting outta control recently...

Now i began to think...I've gotta have to make more money...

But how?

Take a part time job? 

Find another job...?
  
And to be honest, i did have the thought of looking for another job...

Been searching on the job market recently for better paid jobs...

But...

i do not have the required experience needed in those ads...

As well as skills...

Or perhaps i should start a business?

Online business?

Franchise?

Or the worst case scenario....direct selling?

Really lost...

明明就 周杰倫

This song reminds me of her...reminds me of the day she left...

"妳的某些快樂　在沒有我的時刻..."

"海鷗不再眷戀大海　可以飛更遠..." 

" 遠方傳來風笛　我只在意有妳的消息..."

" 城堡為愛守著秘密　而我為妳守著回憶..."

"妳的心事太多　我不會戳破..."

":明明就他比較溫柔　也許他能給你更多..."
 
" 不用抉擇　我會自動變朋友..."


 明明就 周杰倫

糖果罐裡好多顏色　微笑卻不甜了妳的某些快樂　在沒有我的時刻
中古世紀的城市裡　我想就走到這
海鷗不再眷戀大海　可以飛更遠

遠方傳來風笛　我只在意有妳的消息
城堡為愛守著秘密　而我為妳守著回憶

明明就不習慣牽手　為何卻主動把手勾妳的心事太多　我不會戳破
明明就他比較溫柔　也許他能給你更多
不用抉擇　我會自動變朋友

糖果罐裡好多顏色　微笑卻不甜了妳的某些快樂　在沒有我的時刻
中古世紀的城市裡　我想就走到這
海鷗不再眷戀大海　可以飛更遠

遠方傳來風笛　我只在意有妳的消息
城堡為愛守著秘密　而我為妳守著回憶

明明就不習慣牽手　為何卻主動把手勾妳的心事太多　我不會戳破
明明就他比較溫柔　也許他能給你更多
不用抉擇　我會自動變朋友

明明就　明明就　明明就
他比較溫柔　也許他能給你更多
不用抉擇　我會自動變朋友

It's been a year...

Yes...time files & without me realising it...it's been a year...

18 June 2012...the day that i met her for the 1st time...

Though it was a pretty official & important ocassion - job interview...but i just couldn't help it...

I remember  i was waiting anxiously in the meeting room...

Then she walked in to interview me...

I didn't realise that she was that pretty initially as i was probably too overwhelmed by the interview...

Then in the middle of the interview when i looked at her carefully...

Goodness Gracious...><

literally an angel was sitting in front of me...

literally...i swear...

Just couldn't take my eyes off her...

I couldn't remember what i answered & what i talked about during the interview...

God must be watching my back as i didn't screw up the interview...

After leaving the company when the interview ended,i remember i went: 

"Jesus Christ, how could there be such a pretty girl exists in this world...==

And the rest is in history...

The beginning of the good memories...

The beginning of all the mistakes...

Perhaps it never should've happened...

Man! I can't imagine how i would react when i see this blog post a year later...

Will i be laughing & thinking how idiot i am right now?

Will i be nostalgic when i read this again a year later?

Or...

Will i still remember this date a year later?